11. Even If We Can’t Touch (1)

These days, while living her daily life diligently, Saena went to bed after another productive day.

Following her usual habit, she picked up the book placed at her bedside. It was so she could read before sleep.

“Oh, I finished this one yesterday.”

Should she just go to sleep?

After a brief consideration, Saena got down from the bed. Since she wasn’t very sleepy yet, it seemed better to get some books.

She stroked the still sleeping Yolly’s head and put on her robe.

While returning from the library with a few selected books, she sensed something unsettled in the air. It was especially strange given it was near bedtime.

“…Madam.”

Moreover, she encountered Nadia in the hallway.

“What brings you here at this hour?”

As this floor contained the direct family’s bedrooms, even the head butler wouldn’t freely come and go at such a late hour.

“His Grace has returned.”

Saena was startled.

“At this hour? Without trumpet sounds?”

Normally, when a lord returns to the castle, trumpets would announce it to everyone.

“His Grace forbade it. He doesn’t like it in general, and especially when returning late.”

“Ah, where is he now? In his room?”

“He’s probably bathing right now.”

“And you, Nadia? Are you going to see His Grace?”

“No. I’ve already seen him. I had some brief reports to make.”

“I see. Alright.”

“Yes. Have a pleasant night, Madam.”

Nadia bowed and disappeared again.

Saena returned to her room, placed the books on the nightstand, and sat on the bed.

‘Should I greet him? Or wait until tomorrow morning?’

Now that she knew of his return, it became a dilemma.

‘He must have… not slept well for quite a while.’

She wondered about his condition.

Saena suddenly lifted her head to look at the connecting door. Though it would never open from the other side, she kept glancing at it since it connected to his room.

Then she remembered her resolution. The decision to welcome him happily when he returned.

Saena got up from the bed and approached the connecting door.

Though she felt awkward due to their recent strange distance, and thought she might want to ask various questions upon seeing his face, making her want to postpone their meeting until tomorrow, she steeled her resolve once again.

‘Just say welcome back and good night. I can do that much, right?’

After hesitating while holding the doorknob, Saena pressed the lock button firmly and opened the door.

“……!”

“……!”

But Constantine was right in front of the door. Both of them flinched when they unexpectedly met eyes at such close range.

“Ah… welcome back.”

“…I’m back.”

“You must be tired. Are you… uninjured?”

“Yes. I am.”

“……”

After greeting him, she ran out of things to say. As silence flowed awkwardly between them, Saena slightly bit her lower lip before releasing it. At that gesture, Constantine’s gaze momentarily deepened.

“I just… wanted to greet you…”

“I see.”

“Why were you standing here, in front of the door, Your Grace?”

“How is… he doing?”

“Ah, you mean Yolly?”

Saena glanced back at the bed before answering.

“Still the same.”

“……”

“But, he’s breathing well and looks peaceful. I think he’ll wake up soon.”

“Is he really alright?”

“Yes. I decided to think positively. So Your Grace should also…”

Saena suddenly stiffened. His fingers were lightly brushing near her cheek.

His touch felt strangely cold, making Saena’s shoulders tense.

No, actually, it was more because she hadn’t expected him to touch her. She always felt tense when he touched her.

But suddenly his movement stopped. With somewhat downcast eyes, he withdrew his hand and took a step back.

“…Duke?”

“…I’m sorry.”

He covered his mouth with the hand that had touched her and turned his head sideways.

“Go to sleep, Saya. I’ll go to sleep too…”

He left an awkward greeting with an somewhat unstable expression and turned away.

“……”

Saena blinked while standing there blankly, watching him walk away. He seemed very unstable, unlike his usual self. His expression was strange, and his attitude toward her was uncharacteristic.

He who had been desperately trying to reach her was now hastily pulling away and leaving like this.

He went to his bed with somewhat staggering steps, pulled back the covers and got in, turning his back to her as if conscious of her presence.

From that sight, Saena felt a sense of disconnection.

‘If this is sincere, I…’

Swoosh, bang.

When she let go of the door she had been holding, the connecting door closed.

His shoulders flinched at the sound of the door closing, and he slowly began to rise from the bed again.

Constantine would think it was the sound of her returning to the Duchess’s room and closing the door. But it was the opposite. When Saena let go of the door, she had stepped into the Duke’s room rather than returning to her own.

She wasn’t sure why. Her feet just moved that way.

“…Saya.”

Her name escaped his lips like a sigh.

“—Shut that mouth. You f*cking insufferable bastard.”

And then immediately, curses burst out. Though his voice was low, the surroundings were so quiet that it pierced her ears clearly.

“……”

Could he be… talking to me? But I haven’t said anything?

Saena flinched at the intense cursing and stepped back, bumping into the door. At the clunking sound, Constantine sharply turned his head.

“S-Saya?”

His pupils trembled, and he suddenly jumped up from the bed.

“Ah, um. What I said earlier… wasn’t directed at you…”

Constantine approached hurriedly, repeatedly reaching out to her and withdrawing his hand while mumbling excuses.

“Really, it wasn’t meant for you. How could I ever speak to you like that?”

“…But there’s only me here.”

“I didn’t even know you were here. I thought the sound of the door…”

“You called my name and then immediately said ‘shut’… those words.”

“That’s because I keep looking for you… It was just me talking to myself.”

“You told yourself to shut up? You meant you’re sick of calling my name?”

“…That’s not it.”

He wore a very troubled expression.

“Though it might have sounded that way coincidentally, it absolutely wasn’t directed at you. It was meant for Cal… Morev.”

“…Morev?”

“Yes. He keeps talking bullsh– I mean, saying nonsense.”

Apparently, he could communicate two-way with the Guardian Spirit. Well, that might be natural for giving and carrying out orders.

Vaguely, Saena had thought Guardian Spirits could understand human speech but hadn’t considered they might be able to speak to humans in return.

And that brief ‘Cal’ sound that escaped his lips.

‘He must mean Caligo.’

But she didn’t ask further.

Though she had been startled by the sharp curse at first, thinking about it carefully, she agreed it didn’t seem like something he would say to her.

“……”

Instead, Saena stared up at him intently.

For some reason, his flustered expression looked better than his deeply sunken expression from earlier. Though his complexion wasn’t good.

‘…Under his eyes.’

They were very hollow. With slight bloodshot, anyone could tell he hadn’t slept well.

Saena raised her hand and stroked under his eyes with her thumb, just as he had done to her earlier.

She felt his body stiffen at her touch.

“S-Saya?”

“Do you know your eyes are red?”

“……”

“You look like you haven’t slept in a long time.”

“Ah… I’m fine.”

“Are you really okay?”

“……”

“Is it okay if I don’t stay? Should I just leave?”

Constantine’s lips quivered. As if, contrary to his heart, that should be his answer.

“Come to think of it… I think I’ve been too sensitive about Yolly. I’m sorry.”

While Yolly was very precious to Saena, to others he would literally be just another beast.

She could hope for understanding but shouldn’t cause trouble.

An apology was appropriate.

But hearing those words, he instead froze. His blue eyes disappeared beneath his eyelids.

He paused for a moment with his eyes closed, his face pressed against her palm. As if savoring it like it might be the last chance.

Then he slowly pulled away. When Constantine opened his eyes again, his face held an expression tinged with self-loathing.

“Perhaps… it is my fault after all.”

“What?”

“Him. In the end… I think I’m the problem.”

What on earth was he talking about?

“Are you saying Yolly is like this because of you, Your Grace?”

“Probably.”

“What do you mean ‘probably’? Did you directly make him fall asleep like that? Why isn’t he waking up?”

“I don’t know. It wasn’t directly my doing. I know how much you care for him, how could I…”

“Then why do you say it’s your fault?”

“Indirectly, I must be the cause.”

“No, what does that even…”

Constantine turned his head and stared into the darkness visible through the window.

“You seem fine, but… perhaps I was just seeing what my selfishness wanted to see. With time, you too…”

“……”

“Right… I shouldn’t reach out to anyone.”

When he turned back to look at her, his eyes seemed to carry the darkness he had just been gazing into.

“I’m sorry. For what happened to him too, just blame me. As for how to wake him… I’ll try my best to find out.”

“What does that even…”

Contrary to her words, he slowly reached his hand toward her. As he placed his hand beside her ear and drew closer, Saena had to tilt her head up to see his face.

Click.

But… unbelievably, the door opened.

He had merely touched it.

That door which supposedly couldn’t be opened from the Duke’s side opened so easily.

“Go back. To your room.”

Before she knew it, she had been pushed across the doorway by him.

The door closed.

* * *